Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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