I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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