Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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