you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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