I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
