Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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