Moan for me like Helen Keller
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
