i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
