So drunk, too bad you don't want this
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
