Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
