Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
