Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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