Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
