the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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