it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
