Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
