my vag is so smooth its legendary
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
