Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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