Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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