Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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