so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
