I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
