Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
