how can u be prego again
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I will pee on everything he values.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
