I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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