I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
if only i could text you this smell
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
