in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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