That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
