What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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