he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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