I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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