I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
