You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
