I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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