I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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