it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
