His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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