between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
did you just send me my own nude
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
