Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
