Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
