I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
