so that wasnt chicken after all
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You made out with two different species that night
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
