this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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