So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
