You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
