I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
