I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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