cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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