It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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