I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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